babies were throwing up all over the place
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
