i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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