Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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