It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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