wanna go halves on a baby?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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