my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I won't apologize to a one balled man
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
