The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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