I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
