his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
