I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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