Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
