put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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