Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
