My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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