Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
