call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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