a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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