my being single is dangerous.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
