so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
