nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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