nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
