Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
