I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
