She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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