The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
