I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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