dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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