Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
