Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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