got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
