some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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