I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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