dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You have to summon your inner elephant
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
