Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
