Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
