'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
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Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
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So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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