So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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