Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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