I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
