I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Text me some of your sweat
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
