Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
