How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
