I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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