Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
