My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
