So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I think I just sharted jello shots
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
