First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize