i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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