Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
