probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
