I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
