My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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