U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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