David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
