do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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