i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I need help removing her.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Randomize
