Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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