so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
