i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
