This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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