Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
