grandma shit on top of the toilet
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
