from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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