dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
